I'm under a considerable amount of stress. More stress than I feel like I've ever encountered.
I have never been a social butterfly, and I'm not especially nice to passerby. I've overcompensated for my inadequacy by becoming more and more reserved - distant - unapproachable. I wish I could say I didn't mean to, because that would absolve me of my responsibility. Sometimes I take solace in the fact that my defenses are so complete. Sometimes I relish in it. A certain pride in the immutability of my mental fortress.
Why am I afraid to commit myself to things? Does this mean that I'm broken? Constantly wavering and feeling such a terrible sense of unease. There is a malleability to my day to day aspirations. I deicide on something, and then it shifts into something else in the next minute. This is not only pertaining to my relationships - it affects everything I do. I've always been a big proponent of spontaneity, but am I spontaneous? In a way, I suppose, in the manner in which I make impulsive decisions. Unplanned events, I like, but not when they affect the trajectory of my life.
I feel shamed near constantly. I feel trapped. I feel lost. Happiness is mostly fleeting. I mean, I do feel happy, and I know that happiness is no one's natural state. I just wish that I didn't feel like I was suspended over a fucking chasm all the time. I know that I'm not alone, and that many people feel the way I do - that's what He would say to me - but sometimes it's hard to let go of all of the negativity.
So very, very, painfully awake.
I don't really know why I do this sort of thing to myself - reading these things. They fill me with such a terrible sadness. It's intolerable, and I want to be rid of it.
I find myself confronted with the same sort of sadness, again.
It's sick and dreadful. Rippled with undertones of anger, and "why not me's".
I've tried to be as happy as I can today, and somehow, I feel as if I've been plunged into being someone who I don't want to be. This feeling - like it's eating me whole. I don't think I can find it within myself to be entirely pleasant, so I won't be. I think I'll just sleep it off.
Tomorrow, I'll be right as rain.
I know why I want to see Crystal so badly right now, and it's infuriating.